I’m sitting at the computer, waiting for the sugarplums to start dancing so that I can place presents in piles for the kids. I’m so tired that instead of listening to Perry Como croon Christmas carols to me, I’m rockin’ out to White Zombie. Whatever, I’m sure Rob Zombie celebrates in his own way too – don’t judge me.
I’m passing the time until Alena’s cough settles down long enough for her to fall asleep and for Emma to Tweet herself into slumber. I’m also passing the time until I can see Jason again. I’m not out for a pity party – some people have it much, much worse than I do right now and I know that I am lucky – extremely lucky – to have what I do. That doesn’t mean that my darkest days aren’t looming around in that everbusy brain of mine.
*Dear Lord it sounded like Santa just came through the roof*
Anyway – where was I? Oh yes, dark and twisty on Christmas Eve. People tease Jason and I about the way we love each other. Mostly, it’s in good fun because both of us agreed on one thing before Rubeck and Ms. Noe became “Jason and Heidi” – we thought relationships were settlements – and that was that. In three years, that gruff, tattooed, scowling Devil Dog has shown me what unconditional love between two adults really is. He puts up with my neurotic ways, laughs at my nerdiness, feeds my guilty pleasures of Vera Bradley and shoes – but more than anything, he LOVES me.
On Friday, as most by now know, he had an emergency appendectomy. His appendix burst – and basically in the worst place possible. When the doctor told me, point blank, if we would have waited any longer to get him to the hospital, there wasn’t anything he would have been able to do, it honestly felt like someone grabbed ahold of my stomach and pulled it out through my mouth.
People say that when you have a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. I’ve had such an experience and I can tell you that this did NOT happen to me. However, when the surgeon told me about cutting it so close with Jason, OUR life flashed before my eyes and the three years of memories, lifetime of dreams, and never-ending love burned images into my brain at warp speed.
I’m feeling a bit selfish this Christmas Eve. Yes, I’m thankful (eternally thankful) that Jason is getting better each day and closer to coming home to me, however, I’m sad that we’ll miss our first married Christmas together. The mere fact that he isn’t here with me leaves a void that is incomprehensible. I hate that he’s alone in a hospital room on a night that, in my eyes, is still so magical. I’m struggling in a role that I excelled at for so long – the single parent. One part of my brain is telling me to suck it up and do my job. Another part is wanting to just cry.
There’s no crying….there’s no crying on Christmas Eve.
I’m watching the clock tick it’s minutes away, listening to highly inappropriate music for Christmas, and balancing on want and need. The coughing has ceased and the social networking has gone quiet. Here come those sugarplums.
http://youtu.be/lkN5M-nJx6A